“When we go in two directions, when we don’t trust our own nature, we don’t go anywhere at all. If we can learn to trust our own nature, we will, I think, be profoundly surprised that things don’t go out of control at all; but on the contrary, suddenly come back into control.” – Alan W. Watts
I’ve seen many blood drinkers talk about the ‘two selves’. A common theme seems to be duality. It’s a prominent theme in my life, as well. In younger sanguivores, it can be especially difficult to come to terms with the more predatory aspects of one’s nature. This can lead to depression, anxiety, guilt. In worse cases, I’ve even known of some sanguivores to self-harm because of being so addled with guilt.
In the West, many of us have grown up surrounded by Judeo-Christian influence. This influence, in and of itself, teaches us to distrust our own nature, to question ourselves, to distrust our basic human instincts. Even if we do not identify as a Christian, the influence in the West is pervasive and leaks into many aspects of our Western culture. Alan Watts discusses this at length in his ‘Eastern Wisdom and Modern Life’ series from many decades ago. Rather than be at harmony with nature, and by extension, our nature (prevalent in the East), we are taught to struggle against ourselves.
This is terribly apparently in many younger blood drinkers. Struggling, fighting, or trying to kill off their inherent nature. But you may say “but if I let go, I’ll hurt someone”. To me, in my experience, that isn’t necessarily true. Like the quote at the start of this article, I’ve found that releasing that control and being flexible allows for far greater control and happiness. If you keep an animal starved and locked in a cage, it will claw at the bars and try desperately to escape. If an animal is free and well fed, it has no reason to thrash and fight. Like a willow tree that bends under snow to release it, or a pine tree that remains strong and then snaps under the weight. One could then recall the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog – even with no cause to ‘sting’, the predatory instinct doesn’t go away even when unprovoked, and will act out on its own. Again, I have not found this to be the case. Our nature is always there, but when we act in accordance with all of ourselves, the control we can exert becomes surprisingly easy. I do it without thought and have done for years.
When I am completely at one with all aspects of myself and am not pulling in different directions, I’ve found that, consequently, all aspects of myself are completely under my control. I do not have to exert control over any part of myself. I just am. I am content. Therefore, for me, I am free to focus on many other aspects of personal development. Anyone who knows me will know I am a massive proponent of self-development. I meditate, read for hours and do online courses daily, and am studying for a law degree as well as working a full-time corporate job. This isn’t to say that being ‘busy’ is the key to happiness; more, that with my oneness with myself, I am free to spare thoughts to other areas that I want to develop. I know where I want my career to go, and what will make me personally fulfilled and successful. I am not perfect. I struggle with bouts of depression and have anxieties like any other human being; but the key is mindfulness. Sanguivory doesn’t define who I am. Because I don’t resent it, I don’t resent part of myself and get caught in the feedback loop from Hell. Sanguivory doesn’t define us. It can be as much or as little a part of our lives as we want it to be. It can be something we take pride in and where developing aspects of our lives as sanguivores fulfills us, or we can develop ourselves as people with sanguivory being an afterthought and simply a health requirement. The two halves do not have to be in conflict; they can fit together to make one, complete whole. We can trust ourselves. When we aren’t trapped in a constant battle, we are free to make that choice.
What will you choose?